


Silent Angels

by MoonlightBreeze



Series: Febuwhump 2021 [10]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland Friendship, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Child Abuse, FebuWhump2021, Flashbacks, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Alec Lightwood, I do NOT give him the nice things AT ALL, I think that's it - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Molestation, Other, Panic Attacks, Pedophilia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Canon, Protective Alec Lightwood, Rape, Robert rapes Alec, Sad Ending, Underage Drinking, he sort of gets that but like it's not happy, no beta we die like men, okay and now onto the serious ones, there's a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:41:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29342979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: Alec usually likes silence. He never has all that much to say, anyway. But sometimes silence can be stifling. Sometimes silence is laden with secrets and ghosts that haunt him no matter what he does, and sometimes silence means not that he doesn't have anything to say, but that he's too trapped to know the right words.Febuwhump Day 10 - "I'm sorry, I didn't know"Please note the archive warning above. Other warnings are: child abuse/molestation (Robert rapes Alec), PTSD and flashbacks, implied/referenced self-harm, mentions of underage drinking, and no happy ending. Please, please keep yourselves safe and don't read if this is too heavy or triggering for you. <3
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Robert Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & himself, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Febuwhump 2021 [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138970
Comments: 8
Kudos: 46





	Silent Angels

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! Today's Febuwhump fic is based on this prompt: "I'm sorry, I didn't know". I've posted a lot of borderline fluff and hurt/comfort lately, so I'm sorry if this absolutely smacks you in the face compared to what yesterday's or the day before's was. I only really write no happy endings and dark things when I've had a bad day, and this month was been pretty alright up until this week. In any case, I knew I'd end up with at least one fic like this doing a month of straight angst prompts. I apologise. <3
> 
> This fic is extremely heavy. It doesn't have a happy ending or even anything remotely close to it, and it deals with very dark/heavy themes. Please, please take note of the archive warning above and heed my warnings. This fic is not a nice one. Warnings are: Rape/non-con, child abuse and molestation (Robert sexually abuses Alec), PTSD and flashbacks (one of which is structured a bit like a panic attack, which is why I added that tag), mentions of underage drinking, implied/referenced self-harm, and no happy ending. Please, please keep your lovely selves safe and avoid this fic if you need to. <3
> 
> With that being said, I hope those of you that do read this like it! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And, as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em

It started when he was twelve. 

Alec had always idolized his parents - they were leaders, an inspiration to the Shadowhunters at the Institute they ran. He wanted to be just like them someday. He knew that they weren’t always right, but he also knew that they always tried their best. They were good people. They _had_ to be good people. 

So when his father started spending more time with Alec, well, Alec certainly wasn’t going to complain. He loved being a priority in his father’s eyes, and he loved the extra attention and education he got from Robert when they would spend hours together in the training room practicing for missions. Alec was months away from his first rune, and he knew he needed all of the extra guidance he could get before he would be expected to hold his own in the real world against real demons that he couldn’t dispel at the touch of a simulation button on the wall. 

Alec didn’t think anything of it when Robert started tucking him into bed at night, either. After all, it’d been ages since someone had done that for him. He didn’t know what changed or why, but he didn’t want to ask. He was too afraid of breaking the peace and causing Robert to change or stop what he was doing. 

He was too afraid, period. He was always too afraid. He was a coward. And cowards deserved what they got. That’s what his parents had always said, anyway.

Somewhere, in the back of Alec’s mind, he _knew_ that fathers shouldn’t sneak into their sons’ bedrooms at three in the morning, looking for all the world like they were meant to be there when they _weren’t_ , but he swallowed his feelings and said nothing. He didn’t want his father to hate him. If Robert hated him, who else would he have left? His mother was making her priorities painstakingly clear as of late, and Alec wasn’t one of them. Isabelle and Jace were too young to help, and no one else cared. Alec needed this, needed a grown-up in his life that he could count on. That he could trust.

He _couldn’t_ say anything. 

And so when Alec’s father climbed into bed with him and told him to be quiet, that _shhhh, everything will be alright, angel_ , Alec was inclined to believe him. What else could he do? He didn’t have any other choice. 

Alec tried not to cry as Robert blanketed his body with his own, cooing and whispering soothing things into Alec’s ear the whole way down. Crying was a sign of weakness, and he wasn’t weak. He didn’t understand what was happening, not really, only that it was _bad_ , and he was letting it happen. 

“Shhh,” Robert whispered again. “Just be quiet for me, angel. You don’t want to get Daddy in trouble, do you?”

Alec shook his head, no, even as the action made him feel sick.

Alec _didn’t_ want his father to get in trouble. Who would teach him, train him to be a good soldier and to protect his teammates, if Robert was gone? Who would cook dinner for him after patrol or sneak him doughnuts in the mornings? There was no one else that cared, Alec told himself, except for Jace and Isabelle, and they weren't grown-ups. His father cared about him. His father loved him. 

Alec clutched his blue bedsheets in his fists and closed his eyes, a single tear escaping from the corner of his eyelid. He said nothing. Even when his father's hands drifted down to his belt, when they gripped his hips and slid his boxers off of him, Alec said nothing. 

The next morning, Alec woke to see a pretty blue gift basket sitting in one of his chairs. It was filled with sweets, toys, and his favourite Shadowhunter books. It was perfect. It should've been perfect. 

It would've been perfect if it was from anyone but his father. 

When Isabelle saw Alec ripping his blue plush teddy bear - a brand new one, too, it looked like - apart later that day in the training room, she almost confronted him about it. After all, Mama had always said it was bad to waste toys, that there were other Shadowhunters who didn't get nearly as many. But one glance at the murderous look on Alec's face had Isabelle stopping in her tracks before she was even able to take a step towards him.

~ ~ ~

Alec used to cocoon himself in his blankets after it happened, just like he did when he was five and afraid of the monster under his bed. Except now, he was fifteen and he knew that monster wasn't real, but the monster who lived down the hall and had a key to his bedroom _was_. 

But eventually, the bedsheets grew too dirty for Alec to sleep in afterwards, even if he washed them. No matter how many times he washed them. Just like showers, they didn’t help anymore. They couldn’t scrub anything away or hide it because _it_ was inside Alec, a living, breathing creature that whispered reminders that he was filthy and dirty and _wrong_ whenever Alec dared to think or look at himself for too long. 

So, in the absence of his bed, Alec would retreat to the roof after it happened, usually with a bow and his quiver in tow. He fired arrows for long stretches of night, trying desperately to focus on _that_ pain instead of the other, the pain that flamed from the inside out. Sometimes he cried. Sometimes he screamed. Sometimes he even prayed. He had long since stopped believing in the Angels - where were they when he needed them? - and that word, _angel_ , left a taste like booze and darkness and the sound of his father’s voice in his mouth that made him want to throw up. But sometimes, well. Sometimes he prayed anyway. 

Alec knew that Jace came up here, too, usually to drink and think about the things he wouldn’t talk to Alec about. He also knew that, if he’d ever wanted company afterwards, Jace would’ve come up to the roof with him. But the idea of being around Jace and his booze, even if it wasn’t the alcohol his father drank, made Alec’s heart skip a beat and his pulse race and his hands tremble at his sides. He knew Jace wouldn’t leave his alcohol behind, not without a reason, and Alec could never give him one. 

Without his parabatai, though, without _anybody_ , Alec found himself blocking out the pain more than he felt it. What was the point, anyway? Crying wouldn’t help. Screaming wouldn’t help. The Angels didn’t hear him anymore, or maybe they just didn’t care. Nothing ever changed. Every night was the same. Sometimes he got a break, when Robert was tired or away on business, but Alec knew it would start up again the second he was home and wanted it to. Alec’s control was gone, or maybe he’d never had any in the first place.

His target practice had begun as a way to focus, distract his mind from what it wanted to replay over and over again, night by night, but before long, his bow string slicing his fingers every time he pulled it back was the only thing Alec knew for certain he could feel. 

His mom had told him once, late at night in her office when she looked sad and Alec had gone to help, that a Shadowhunter stopped being a Shadowhunter when they stopped feeling, that a leader wasn’t fit to be a leader anymore when they stopped agonizing over every loss and every mistake that cost someone something that could’ve been avoided. Alec hadn’t understood at the time, not really, but now he thought he might. 

~ ~ ~

Alec was _good_ at keeping secrets. His father knew that, and his mother knew that, and even his siblings knew that. Alec was the person that they all poured their secrets into, because they knew he didn’t have anyone else to tell them to besides them. 

Still, sometimes Alec wondered what the price of it all was. Would they still love him if he slipped up? Would they still trust him if he told their secrets to someone else, just to get them out of his head and lessen the damn near unbearable weight on his chest? 

Alec shook his head and looked down at himself, straightening his tie and trying to shove the thoughts out of his mind. It didn’t matter, anyway. He knew and they knew that he would never tell. 

“Alexander?” Alec straightened at the sound of his mother’s voice, his hands automatically moving behind his back so he could assume the typical Shadowhunter parade rest position. 

“Be out in a minute!” he called back, and grabbed his suit jacket from where it was laying over the back of his chair. This dinner was important. Clave representatives from all over the world would be there, and Alec knew he had to play the part of the diplomat and impress them if he wanted his parents to receive a good report. The dinner was meant to be a test, and the entire Institute knew it; if the Clave officials found the Lightwoods unfit for duty, Alec didn’t know what would happen to them. 

Alec twisted the doorknob a second later and slipped into the hallway, speed-walking past his parents’ room and ignoring the way the thought of Robert made his heart fly into his throat. He didn’t have time for this. Still, Alec couldn’t control the way his shoulders slumped with relief only when he was safely past his parents’ door. 

The ops center was packed full of Shadowhunters, all in some variation of official dress. Alec’s eyes found Jace quickly, the golden-blonde hair standing out from all the rest. He was wearing a suit, too, and was currently on the arm of Aline Penhallow, the daughter of a Council member. Alec swallowed hard. He hoped and prayed that he wouldn’t be expected to chat someone up like that. He wasn’t sure he had it in him. 

He was still hovering at the edges of the fray, unsure, and Alec knew he had about five seconds before his mother noticed him loitering and shoved him into the crowd. Alec took a deep breath and steeled himself. He could do this. He _had_ to do this. For his family. 

With that, Alec ducked his head and walked towards the center of the room, plastering a smile on his face and trying with all his might to make it seem like he wanted to be there. 

~ ~ ~

Isabelle was, quite frankly, having the time of her life. She loved mingling with the Institute’s guests, and her mother had even allowed her to wear a slim-cut dress that showed a little leg, unlike the stupid sundresses she’d been forced into last year and every year before that. It was a good day; a fun day. 

The Clave official she’d been talking with left her for something, probably something more important than listening to what a twelve year-old girl had to say, and Izzy scanned the room, searching for her brothers. It wouldn’t take long for her to get bored without the man there to keep her company, and at least Jace was fun. Alec could be fun, too, sometimes, if they begged hard enough. 

She found Jace quickly, seeing that he was whispering something into Aline Penhallow’s ear. She rolled her eyes. He was only thirteen, and he thought he was better than everyone else in the Institute. Or, at least, he acted like it. Whether or not he actually believed it was another matter entirely. 

A clatter from the refreshments table caught Izzy’s attention, and she looked over to see a large man with a cocktail glass in his hand sputtering at her big brother, who was regarding him with wide, fearful eyes. Izzy frowned. Alec wasn’t afraid of anything, let alone harmless Clave officials who’d had a bit too much to drink. And yet, he was looking at the man like he was terrified. 

Isabelle watched as the man frowned, noticing his reaction, and tried to touch Alec’s shoulder. Alec screamed. 

Isabelle was quite sure he hadn’t meant to, judging by the way his eyes widened afterward, but it didn’t matter. His scream drew the attention of everyone in the room, their gazes falling heavy on Alec, and Alec was _shaking_ , and Alec _didn’t_ shake, and _what_ was _going on?_

The man that had scared Alec backed up a few steps, and Izzy heard him say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” but _what_ he didn’t know, what had made Alec freak out, was still a mystery to her. 

Robert and Maryse had taken notice, of course, and they began to storm towards Alec. Alec’s eyes widened again, and he looked ready to bolt. Still, even in his fear, his hands went behind his back in parade rest just like they always did when he was bracing himself for something. Isabelle’s eyes watered. She didn’t know what was the matter with him, but she did know that their parents weren’t going to make it any better. 

She began inching closer to Alec, as slowly as possible so their parents wouldn’t notice what she was doing and scold her for it, but before she could reach him, Alec let out another earsplitting scream. Their father had tried to touch him, called him something that almost sounded like _angel_ , though Izzy wasn’t sure why that would bother Alec, and she noticed that he was holding the same kind of drink as the man who’d scared Alec initially. Alec, his eyes terrified and huge like he was facing down a Greater demon instead of his own _parents_ , turned and fled the room. 

Izzy ran after him, ignoring their parents’ shouts to stay, to leave him be. She didn’t know what on earth could possibly be wrong with him for him to react like _this_ , but if no one else was going to help, then she _was_. 

She followed Alec all the way to the training room, where he made a beeline for the corner of the room next to the equipment racks. She watched as he pulled the racks as close to his body as he could, backing himself into the corner as far as possible until the wall hit his back. His eyes were sparkling with unshed tears, and his breath was coming in fast, frenzied gasps. Izzy’s heart clenched painfully in her chest. She had never, in all of her twelve years, _ever_ seen Alec act like this. 

She approached him cautiously, stopping a little distance away when she remembered how he’d reacted to Robert getting close to him. “Alec?” she called. “Can you hear me?” 

Alec didn’t respond, but his head turned towards her, and she knew he had. 

“It’s okay,” Isabelle tried to comfort him. “It’s alright. You’re safe, Alec, no one’s going to hurt you.” 

For some reason, that made his tears spill over, and he hid his face in his hands, letting out a quiet sob. Isabelle felt her heart breaking for him. Unable to resist the instinct to crawl into his lap and hug him like she had when they were younger and he was sad, she crept closer until she could almost reach out and touch him if she wanted to, waiting to see how he would react. 

To her surprise, Alec reached out and grabbed her wrist, dragging her closer to him. She tried to get her arms around him so she could hug him, but before she even had time to move, Alec had spun them around, and now _she_ was facing the corner, blanketed by the equipment racks on both sides. 

He hovered over her, his hands shaking and his eyes a million miles away. She watched in utter bewilderment as he struggled to stand, nearly falling to his knees as he did so, and groped blindly for an arrow in his quiver that wasn’t there. Izzy’s breath caught in her throat when she realised: she recognised this stance. He was still terrified, yes, but he was _protecting_ her. This was the way he stood when he encountered a threat. 

The knowledge only confused her even more, but at least now, she knew what to do. Izzy put her hands out in front of her so Alec could see them, see that they weren’t restrained or hurt or bloodied, and slowly began to stand. 

She could see him panicking, and his hand twitched by his side, like he wanted to reach out and force her back to the ground, but she knew he wouldn’t. He trusted her. 

“It’s okay, Alec,” Izzy said softly, trying to infuse her voice with the same calmness that he always used with her when she had nightmares. “I’m okay. See? No blood. I’m not hurt. Everything’s okay, Alec, I promise.” 

Alec watched uncertainly as she stepped away from the wall, slowly, so she didn’t scare him. She shoved the equipment racks aside with one hand, keeping her eyes on her brother as she let herself out of the corner he’d placed her in. “Trust me,” Izzy implored him. “It’s okay, Alec. Everything’s alright.”

Slowly, bit by bit, Alec began to soften, the panic leaving his eyes. His hands were still shaking, but his shoulders slumped with relief and he didn’t look like he was expecting an attack of some kind at any given moment. 

Izzy reached forward, hoping he would let her embrace him, but before she could even open her arms, Alec had stumbled towards her, nearly falling, reaching blindly for her hand like he wanted to be sure she was really there. Izzy managed to catch him against her, tangling their fingers together and giving his hand a firm squeeze, and he collapsed into her arms, exhaustion making him heavy and sluggish. 

Izzy swallowed hard. She didn’t know what to do. She was sure that normal Alec, her-big-brother Alec, would never have allowed her to see him like this. She hated knowing that he was barely in control of his own actions; it felt wrong to hold him when she knew it wouldn’t be what he’d want if he was in any condition to _tell_ her what he wanted.

Still, Izzy couldn’t bring herself to let go of him; not yet. So instead, she maneuvered them over to a nearby bench and let him rest his head on her shoulder. She was still holding his hand, which had gone limp in her grip. The tears from before finally began to spill over, and Isabelle noticed that, even wrapped in her arms and tired as he was, Alec was still trembling. 

It was beginning to feel like he would never stop. 

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](https://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open!
> 
> Want to embrace your inner chaotic fandom participant? Require somewhere to scream about Shadowhunters and other fandoms? Need writing advice, encouragement, or new friends? [Join our Discord server](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD) and find your home in a community of chaotic fans looking to make the world a nicer place! We welcome everyone, and we would love to have you. <3


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